Narcissists love to win. Divorce, to them, is a game. That makes divorcing them in any reasonable kind of way extremely challenging. Their expectations are usually unrealistic. That means you need to know a little bit about narcissism itself. According to the Mayo Clinic:.
Narcissistic personality disorder … is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and "How to tell my narcissistic husband i want a divorce" lack of empathy for others.
According to the DSMnarcissists often display these symptomsamong others:. Divorcing a narcissist is usually expensive, ugly, and exhausting. Narcissists are usually high maintenance and high conflict spouses. As a matter of fact, if a settlement is fair to you, then, by definition, they believe it is unfair to them! As a matter of fact, the more expensive and time consuming it is, the easier it is for them to play the victim.
Do NOT try to get divorced without an attorney! No matter what your spouse says in the beginning, your divorce is not going to be easy or amicable.
You need your own lawyer to guide you through this! Hiring a shark attorney is also a bad idea! They love to fight. An aggressive lawyer will just fan the flames of the fire — at an enormous cost to you! You need someone who will help you create a solid strategy, and then will help you execute that strategy step by step, one step at a time.
You also want to be careful not to let yourself get sucked into blindly trusting your spouse, either in or out of court. How do you walk the line between being paranoid and being careful? You start small, and you keep your eyes and ears open. Make a small agreement with your spouse. Watch what your spouse does. That will tell you much more. Just so you know, everyone blows this step at first. Everyone slammed by their narcissistic spouse at least once, and usually a couple of times.
The goal here is not to be perfect. Getting taken a couple of times sucks. In the real world, that hardly ever happens. This is not T. If you want to show that your narcissistic spouse is lying, you need to prove it! Put all of your conversations with your spouse in writing. Use email and text messaging as much as possible.
Both of those forms of communication leave trails behind. Not only do you have to document your conversations, but you have to organize them as well. Finally, do yourself a favor. Do NOT give all of your documentation to your lawyer all of the time. Divorce itself also throws you off balance and makes you question yourself.
Setting your goals and making a plan to achieve them can keep you grounded. It points you in the right direction from the start. If you How to tell my narcissistic husband i want a divorce make a plan for your divorce BEFORE you are up to your ears in craziness, you have a much greater chance of getting through your divorce in some kind of rational way. Of course, divorcing a narcissist rarely goes as planned.
Even still, just starting with a plan puts you way ahead of the game!
If you want to know how you can win when divorcing a narcissist, you start by keeping your own emotions under control. When your narcissistic spouse does something outrageous, if you react by screaming, crying, raging or acting like an emotional basket case, YOU become the one who looks crazy. If you are having trouble controlling your emotions on your own, get a therapist! That, alone, can be worth millions.
Another way to get yourself out of reaction mode is to start by having a clear plan of action with your spouse from the start.
Take the time to set goals. Decide on a plan of action. To the best of your ability, follow your plan. You will probably have to change your plan multiple times.
Divorcing a narcissist usually takes a long, long time. When you first start your divorce, things may not go well for you. Your spouse may charm the judge, the lawyers, your friends and maybe even your family.
Meanwhile, your spouse will paint you as a monster.
If you have been documenting everything properly, you will be able to prove that your spouse is lying. When that happens, the tide may start to shift.
Those who thought you were crazy may start to change their opinion. At the same time, staying the course for years can take a huge toll on you. Play the long game. Take care of yourself! You need to eat right, exercise, and try to get some sleep. Most of all, be kind to yourself. To get that support, you need to put together a strong team.
You need people who will listen to you, support you, and help keep you sane. So, who should be on your support team? Start with good friends and family. Blood is thicker than water. A good support team should also include good divorce professionals.