Listen to the audio version of this article here. A dozen
Invalidating peoples feelings get hurt of being unable to see the forest for the trees. EVERY one of those fights mattered.
EVERY one of those fights was the result of a conversation where one or both of us made a thoughtless, selfish, emotionally impulsive and undisciplined choice. Only masochists who hate themselves would create and execute an action plan to sabotage every conversation they have to provoke an emotionally unpleasant fight for one or both relationship partners—especially knowing the end of that story was a messy divorce and broken home.
Most "Invalidating peoples feelings get hurt" us are just a little bit broken and a lot bit uninformed about the healthy and unhealthy behaviors that make marriage and dating relationships thrive vs. Not a Real Man. Having my Man Card was important to me. The thinking seems to be: If you have your Man Card, the guys will accept me and the ladies will want me. To be sure, there ARE people who demonstrate a high level of stoicism and emotional consistency.
In real life, almost nothing influences human behavior as much as our emotions do.
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Just ask every successful marketing pro in world history. It was my routine invalidation of the things she might have been thinking or feelings that ultimately CAUSED the fight or relationship-damaging moment.
One of the thousands of paper cuts that would eventually cause our marriage to bleed to death. We accidentally destroy our relationships. For real, this time. I was reading through various psychology articles on invalidating others as a tactic for winning an argument, or as a
Invalidating peoples feelings get hurt of trying to convince someone or ourselves that something is better or worse than what it is.
In doing so, I found eight common invalidation techniques people use in all kinds of conversations with everyone they talk to—not just their
Invalidating peoples feelings get hurt. Sometimes my wife would tell me a story about one of her friends or something that happened at work.
Sometimes, when she told me the story, I would find myself disagreeing with her assessment, and defending her friend, or otherwise taking a different viewpoint than she did. Being real and stuff. But what I was doing was confusing Validation with Agreement. Sometimes people feel sad or angry. Maybe for unselfish reasons, but probably for selfish ones too. Everything is going to be fine.
When you tell someone who is sad or otherwise upset involuntarily to NOT be that way, what they hear is even from really nice, unselfish people: Dishes by the sink, yo. Because how I experience the world should be indisputable, absolute truth and the unquestioned law of all human behavior, right? You should only do that if you love getting divorced.
Not acknowledging how difficult something might be for you to do is hoovering. We wear masks for all kinds of reasons in our relationships and in our interactions with others. We want to be liked. Sometimes people think that being in the same room, or the same house, is the same as being WITH someone.
I thought it was fine. Feeling present with each other, and the emotional connections that thrive from shared experiences was something she wanted. But judging often adds an element of ridicule to the occasion, which can often cause a lot of damage. Not only was I disagreeing with her, but sometimes I was doing so in ways that made it clear that I believed all of my thoughts and feelings had more value than hers.
As if I came to them from some pure and intellectually superior place, and hers were just some stupid girl feelings. The more I tell these stories, the more horrified I am at
Invalidating peoples feelings get hurt obliviousness through the years, and my blindness to what asshole moves these types of beliefs and behaviors are.
Nonverbal invalidation comes in many forms. The shittiest are obnoxious eyerolls, finger-drumming, or yawning. More than half of marriages fail when you factor in all the still-married people who hate one another. It ended my marriage and has surely ruined a number of my other relationships, romantic or otherwise.
Oct 14, People who do...
Like Liked by 1 person. This is just beautiful. One of the best things leaders can do is to just be present with someone in their emotional state. To just stand there in the moment not trying to
Invalidating peoples feelings get hurt anything, just offering that much needed validation.
True story, when hubby and I first got married he invalidated everything I said. To perpetually invalidate someone is an attack. The fact that many women tend to have a more passive response to such abuse does not lesson the fact that the behavior itself is really crazy making and emotionally abusive.
Like Liked by 5 people. It is SO maddening to have this done to you!! Like Liked by 4 people. Great post -very validating for us feeling invalidated! Apprecite your honesty Matt. I have experienced all of these throughout my entire 19 yr marriage.
I know his ADHD adds to it
Invalidating peoples feelings get hurt so many years of ignoring it has taken its toll. Thank you for putting it out there so maybe someone can see this and try to change the behavior. Like Liked by 2 people. Newsletter
I wish I could memorize this entire essay. I wish some married people would read this with a truly open mind with a willingness to see themselves as they really are.
Bless you, Matt, and your delightful articulate nail-on-the-head accuracy and your amazing ability to get it all out of your brain and heart onto paper.
Maybe leave for a few days after you have a long talk, and see what that gets you. A fine piece as I see us both in many of your points. We all have our broken bits inside us that impact our behaviours and reactions.
Invalidating peoples feelings get hurt delayed diagnosis of ADHD and all the self esteem stuff that comes with a life of unmet goals. “When we invalidate people or...
My family of origin fear and avoidance of Elephants in the room to keep peace. Only I am responsible to be the best person I can be — thank you Jack Nicholson in the movie whose name escapes me. Maybe instead of blaming our "Invalidating peoples feelings get hurt" for wanting us the do better, we should thank them for the opportunity and motivation. Life lessons I think. Like Liked by 3 people. Saying this is emotional abuse then leads to the obvious conclusion that I am being an abuser, and that is a hard pill to swallow.
Thank you for this education Matt. The puzzle pieces are slowly coming together, and as the saying goes, awareness is the first step to recovery.
It goes along well with your ideas, and reaches
Invalidating peoples feelings get hurt for the core reasons why. I experience all of these behaviors in my marriage: And I have tried explaining each of these every time one of them happens…. Reblogged this on World4Justice: Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented: Good one Matt — my ex and I were both guilty of this.
I was usually the one Hoovering and later on judging the hell out of his feelings.
Like how dare you claim to be unhappy — you are the one that makes me unhappy I think I became pretty dismissive nonverbally too. It was pretty shitty of me and no way to fix the things going wrong between us. That and the ignoring me while I was trying "Invalidating peoples feelings get hurt" talk to him because the TV was on or he was busy checking his phone. I can say that it can mess up parent child relationships and friendships just as easily as romantic ones. I understand what it is like to be someone who invalidates others because, unfortunately, it is an extremely annoying personality trait I inherited from my Dad, even though I am a girl.
Sadly, one of the main things that made me get rid of my invalidating behavior was being invalidated myself for a couple years. Some other things to add to the list of invalidating things are when someone is being super emotional, especially to the point of yelling at another person for a long period of time, and then expressing outrage when the other person dares to finally show their own emotions.
My Dad is actually a decent person, but I would sit there and take his yelling for sometimes hours of time, and I would take it in near silence until I would eventually start crying, because I learned that yelling back only escalated the argument.
At first I figured I was safe venting my anger through tears, because how could he get angry at that? Or when the invalidator starts huge arguments over the smallest things and expects everyone to agree that it is a big deal, but then acting like the arguments other people have are always over silly things. His is complicated to explain, but my Dad would get angry at someone and then argue with us for a
Invalidating peoples feelings get hurt long time until the issue was resolved to his satisfaction, even though it was a small thing.
I know he had good intentions, but it was invalidating because, when I reflected back on it, I realized that he was treating everything that bothered him with earth shattering importance, while acting like every argument the rest of the family had was just petty silliness that could be solved with a hug or apology.
He problem was that it made it a lot harder for the rest of the family to actually work through things. Name the exact date and time when his happened!
I see you. I get...
He never had to name dates and times when he accused me of things, and no one keeps track like that. The funny thing is that if I did keep track, he would accuse me of recording grudges down in a little black book. The funny thing
Invalidating peoples feelings get hurt that people who invalidate feelings and claim to be logical want the utmost respect when it comes to their thoughts, feelings and actions.
To answer why people invalidate feelings, thoughts and The main reason people invalidate others' feelings is that they would not. Because it hurts them to see another person doing better or on the way to a higher level.
Oct 14, People who do not validate your feelings, or minimize or trivialize someone else's You are allowed to walk away from people who hurt you. People may mask their feelings because they have learned that others don't react. People who love you don't want you to hurt so sometimes they invalidate.
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